Teen Counseling and the Hopeless Case

In teen counseling I've faced a number of cases where the
parents and child truly believed there was no possible
solution, and had attended therapy as a last resort. This
is too bad because the wonderful thing about helping
children with adjustment problems is that it is relatively
easy. The sad part is that parents, too often, wait years
before referring their child for help, years that could have
been spent peacefully enjoying themselves, instead of filled
with tension and stress. That’s why I continually emphasize
to get aid for your child “sooner” than possible.

Sometimes I’ve heard parents say that it would be easier to
raise someone else’s children rather than their own. There
may be a certain amount of truth to this point of view.
Other parent’s children are usually easier to manage because
they haven’t learned your weaknesses, and they haven’t
learned to tune you out like your own kids. Furthermore, we
parents tend to tune out our own kids to a certain extent.
We become too familiar with each other and, frequently, take
one another for granted. Although this is normal, it can
hinder child rearing.

This is another reason teen counseling can prove helpful to
both parent and child, by helping you listen to one another,
as if you were managing someone else’s child. It amazes me
how much better a child listens to her parent when a
counselor is present, or, in some cases, tells the truth
more accurately.

I recall a teen counseling case where a mother, I’ll call,
Joan, of a seventeen year old girl, I’ll call, Donna, came
to me distraught because her daughter, in her opinion, was
totally out of control. Joan burst into tears as she
explained the problem to me, including the fact that her
daughter wasn’t coming home until very late at night. She
feared her daughter was going to get pregnant and might be
involved in drugs. Joan’s concern for her daughter
impressed me. She loved her daughter. From my teen counseling experience, I suspected that her daughter, by her actions,
was asking for more freedom, but that mother feared what
that freedom might bring-nothing unusual about that coming
from parent and teenager.

Because of what Joan told me, I felt alarmed too. I made
an appointment to see Donna at the high school where I worked.
Donna presented as a courteous, attractive, well groomed
blond. Angrily, Donna told me the situation with her mother
was a hopeless case that her mother made no effort to
understand her that she was old fashioned that there was no
chance her mother and her could work things out and that I
might as well not waste my time because she wasn’t going to
speak to her mother ever again, and anyway that she planned
to move in with her boyfriend and there was nothing her
mother could do about it because she bought her own car from
money she made working before and after school and on
weekends. So she demonstrated herself quite capable of
supporting herself. Furthermore, she absolutely refused,
under any circumstances, to meet in teen counseling with her
mother and me to work things out.

Finishing her tirade, Donna stood there glaring at me, and
then looked toward the door as if she were about to leave
the room. “Before you leave, I asked, “Would you mind
telling me just how things got so bad between you and your
mother?” Donna, reluctantly, sat down, and told me the
entire story.

From a teen counseling perspective, Donna appeared
impressive. She demonstrated intelligence, excellent
communication skills, and she certainly was honest. I
thought I had a fairly good chance of helping mother and
daughter patch things up because both proved straight
forward about defining the problem and both were very
concerned about the problem.

After Donna explained her side of the story, she appeared to
relax. To my relief, Donna was working nearly full-time at
a restaurant after school and on weekends, maintaining a B
average, and involved in extracurricular activities at
school. She told me she didn’t take drugs. I believed her
because it didn’t seem possible she had any time to use
drugs. The problem appeared to center around the fact that
mother wouldn’t let daughter see her boyfriend late at night
on Fridays, after she got off work, which turned out to be
11:30 P.M.

Looking at Donna, I asked, “Do you think your mom loves
you?”

Without any hesitation, she said, “Yes.”

Then I asked, “Do you love your mom?”

Again without the slightest hesitation, she said, “Yes.”

I told Donna that I had a lot of experience in teen
counseling, that even though she thought the situation was a
hopeless case, I thought that since she was such a good
student, an excellent worker, and had a history of exemplary
behavior at school that I thought I could help her work
things out with her mother, but that I needed her help to do
that. Donna still thought it was hopeless but agreed to
meet with me one time with her mother, and only one time.

The next week, when the two came to counseling together,
Donna sat down stiffly and looked coldly away from her
mother. Joan, on the other hand, sat in her chair, dabbing
away the tears. I verified with Joan everything that Donna
had told me. Joan agreed that her daughter was an excellent
student, a great worker and had never been a behavioral
problem until now. I explained to Joan that Donna was
growing into a young woman and that she appeared to be
handling herself responsibly in terms of working almost full
time, paying for her own car, cell phone, etc. I continued
saying that I thought since Donna was growing into an adult
that she wanted more freedom. Joan readily agreed.

Then I turned to Donna and explained to her that some day
she was going to be a mom and raise, perhaps, a daughter. I
asked her to imagine having a wonderful little daughter and
then imagine her growing up, going to kindergarten, then
first grade, and eventually to high school. Naturally being
a good mother Donna was going to watch over her daughter
like a mother hen. Donna nodded her head in agreement. It
was obvious she identified with the mother hen part.

I continued, saying but some day that daughter was going to
grow up and want to date. And like your mother, you are
going to be worried about the type of guy she gets involved
with, fear she will get pregnant or involved with drugs.
Even though your daughter is doing all the right things you
are still going to be afraid for her. This is normal for a
mom.

Donna agreed. I knew something I’d said hit a cord with
Donna. I’d run a teen counseling, high school girl's
support group and encountered similar problems there with
mothers and their daughters. When I asked my girl’s group
to imagine raising a daughter to high school age, they
proved fiercely protective of their daughters, concerning
any boy that wanted to date them. It was really rather
amusing because the high school girls, who had no children,
seemed even more overly protective than their mothers.

Remembering from my teen counseling experience how teenagers
like to be included in the decision making process, I turned
to Donna and Joan and said, “Let me see if I understand the
situation. The problem seems to be that when Donna phones
to ask if she can spend time with her boyfriend after work,
Joan wants that she immediately return home. So Donna has
stopped calling for permission and simply remains with her
boyfriend after work.”

Both agreed that I understood the main problem.

I looked at Joan and asked, “Given Donna gets off work at
11:30 P.M, would you be willing to work out a time for your
daughter to come home after work on Fridays, a time that
would allow her to spend some time with her boyfriend?”

Joan agreed.

“How does that sound to you, Donna?” I asked.

Donna nodded in agreement.

“What would be a good time for you to return home, Donna?”
I continued.

To my surprise Donna responded, "12:30 A.M.", hours earlier
than she’d done in the past, and mother, looking very
relieved, agreed. Before I knew it, mother and daughter
were hugging one another and leaving my office in tears of
reconciliation.

Adjustment challenges often require a little more work than
this one, but I give this as an example of a seemingly
hopeless situation that teen counseling worked out in a few
sessions. No doubt mother and daughter will have other
challenges, but they’ve started a process of communication,
a process of giving and taking, and understanding the
other’s point of view that may go a long way in aiding them
to solve future challenges.

In reality the problem between mother and daughter had
little to do with their disagreement about what time Donna
should return home at night. The problem turned out to be
that mother and daughter, simply, did not possess the
communication skills to work their challenge out. Teen
counseling provided that skill. They could go on from here,
perhaps, with some occasional help from me, to reconcile
their problems themselves.

In teen counseling, the presence of a counselor helped both
people remain calmer than they would have been if the
counselor was not present. It allowed each person to
express to the other her side of the story until it was
completely understood. It allowed for each person to hear,
understand and accept the other person’s perspective.

Some may describe this teen counseling example as simple
problem solving, but, really, it demonstrates more than
that. Under the surface, Joan wanted to know if it was
okay for her to allow her 16 year old daughter to stay out at
night with her boyfriend. She got that approval,
indirectly, from me from the fact that Donna had already
proven herself trustworthy and responsible in a number of
ways. Besides, whether I, personally, liked it or not,
Donna was already out in the world and caring for herself.
All I could do was help her recognize her mother’s love and
fears, and, hopefully, consider them.

Donna recognized the fact that she was becoming an adult,
with adult responsibilities and, through her experience with
a counselor, she was learning she could trust other adults.

This story of "Teen Counseling and the Hopeless Case,"
illustrates the following:

1. Teen counseling can help solve apparent family nightmares
even as a last resort.

2. Teen counseling helps parent and child, not only listen
to each other, but hear each other.

3. Often the problem that brings parent and child to teen
counseling is not the main problem, but another bigger
problem exists, like a failure to communicate properly.

4. Counseling that improves parent-teen communication skills
can solve problems.

5. Parents often wait too long before seeking counseling
help.

6. "Sooner" than possible referral to counseling can save
years of time spent worrying and fighting that could,
otherwise, have been spent enjoying one another.

7. Courageous, loving parents that seek therapy at all are
not only performing a great service for their children and
families, but setting a standard that their children may use
when they have their own families.

For information regarding teen counseling click here for
the counseling page, and click here for the parenting advice
page.

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