 Positive Parenting YourselfIf you are not already positive parenting, then you may haveto practice this parenting skill on yourself before you can use it effectively with your children. Positive parenting is a skill that can prove challenging for a parent to learn. Why? The following story about Barbara and Carlos will illustrate this challenge. You may recall Barbara and Carlos, who had two children, sought counseling because they were fighting too often. To read their story, "A Parenting Tip to Help You Find the Right Counselor," click here. When they saw their pastoral counselor, Barbara explained that she thought her husband yelled at the kids too often and that she thought the kids were coming to fear him. Carlos agreed with his wife and said he did yell at the kids, and they did fear him, but how else could you get kids to follow your instructions? The counselor asked them if they'd ever used a skill called positive parenting. Carlos said he hadn't. Barbara said that she'd tried to use positive parenting, but found it difficult when Carlos didn't go along with the program. The counselor smiled and said, "Barbara and Carlos, I think you're going to like positive parenting because you neither have to yell at your children nor use fear to get them to follow instructions. Besides, the fear affect wears off quickly once the parent leaves the sight of the child, while the affect of positive parenting remains because the child feels good about himself for doing the right thing. He knows, for example, that when dad returns home and sees that he has followed instructions that dad will praise him for it. He lives for that praise." Carlos interrupted, "You know, Barbara explained positive parenting to me, where, for example, your daughter is told to clean her room. When you check it you see that she has done four things right and two things wrong. So you praise her for what she's done right and then remind her to do the other things too." "Carlos, you seem to have a basic understanding of positive parenting. Why aren't you using it?" "That's what I was just about to explain, pastor. I know from talking to Barbara that positve parenting is good for learning because it increases positive emotions that enhance learning. But, it doesn't feel right to me. I feel like I'm lying to my kids when I try positive parenting." "How do you mean?" "Well, when I, for example, tell my son, good job for putting his toys away, I don't really mean it." "Why don't you mean it, Carlos?" "I think because I expected him to clean his whole room, to do everything right, before he deserved being told he did a good job." "Let me see if I understand, Carlos. You expect your seven year old son to do everything right when you ask him to clean his room before you praise him." "I do." "But he's only a child," Barbara added. "I know I shouldn't expect perfection from a child, but that's how my father treated me. You do it all right the first time he tells you. He was of the old school. He'd say there's nothing like a good kick in the behind to teach you a lesson." "And does that sound right to you, Carlos?" asked the pastor. "No, I don't hit my kids. I feared my father. I was expected to be perfect and that's not right." "Good, you've learned from your own experience. Tell me, Carlos, if I understand you correctly. You're saying that since your father expected perfection of you that you expect it of your own children?" "I think so, pastor." "And that since your father used fear to get you to obey him that's what you use with your children." "That's right." "And you're telling me that you didn't like your father's fear approach. So how do you feel using it on your kids?" "I don't like it, but positive parenting doesn't feel right either." "Did your father ever use positive parenting with you?" Carlos laughing, "No." "Then why would you feel comfortable with something you never experienced?" "Good question." "You see, we humans grow comfortable with what we are used to even if it isn't the best way. New approaches are always a little challenging at first, until we get used to them." Carlos nodded in agreement. "How does your father get along with your children, his grandchildren, Carlos?" "He's crazy about them, and they're crazy about him?" "Do they obey him?" "They're perfect around him?" "Does he treat them like he did you?" "Oh no, he's always telling them good things and praising them. He rarely yells at them. No, he's very different with them." "Why?" "He told me he's mellowed out over the years. He says when I was growing up that he worried so much about paying the bills and where our next meal was coming from that he didn't have time for his kids and they were more a bother than a joy. Now he has time for his grandchildren." Barbara said, "In ten years Carlos has never missed a day of work. He arrives at work early and often leaves late, just like he tells me his father did." "Is that right, Carlos?" "She's right. I think my kids are more a bother to me at times than a joy because I'm always worried about the bills and getting ahead. You know, I'm willing to try positive parenting because it improves learning, but I want to feel right when I use it." "That's an excellent point you make about positive parenting, Carlos. I will see if I can help you learn to be comfortable with positive parenting." "Good." "Barbara, do you feel comfortable with positive parenting?" "Yes, I took a class a few years ago, after I tired of yelling at the kids." "Tell me, Barbara, how does Carlos dress for work?" "He's perfectly dressed, not a hair out of place. He's so handsome." "Carlos, do you check yourself out before going to work?" "Of course, I see that everything looks right in the mirror." "Good, continue to do that, and would you consider each day praising everything you've done right out loud." "You mean my hair, shoes, shirt, fingernails and all that?" "Yes. Will that be difficult?" "I'm not used to doing that out loud, but I talk to myself sometimes, so, I think I can do that." "Good. We'll call that your positive parenting checklist." I'm asking you to do it out loud so you can get used to hearing yourself say positive things. In effect you are positive parenting yourself, so you can positive parent your kids. "Carlos and Barbara, we've covered a lot about positive parenting and other matters today. I want to summarize what we've covered. First, the parenting skills, both good and bad, we are comfortable with we learn from our parents. Second, you both are not happy with using a parenting skill that causes your children to fear you as a basis for getting them to obey you. Third, positive parenting doesn't feel comfortable to parents who never experienced it as children. Fourth, we agreed that parents should not expect perfection from their children. Fifth, I would add that you are prepared to accept that parents should not expect perfection from themselves either. Parenting is not a science but an art. Congratulations for in the above five positive parenting areas you both have made significant progress today, and you will progress more in these areas as you consider them over time. To further help the two of you, concerning positive parenting and other parenting skills, I would like you to make time to consider the following: First, Carlos think about your father and how his work demanded so much of his life that he regarded his children as a nuisance. Think about how you want to regard your children. Think about giving them and yourself more time to enjoy one another, like your father is enjoying your children. Two, Carlos and Barbara consider your personal relationship. Are you going to put off enjoying your lives until you are grandparents, or can you make time to enjoy one another now? We'll talk about these two subjects in other sessions." Positive actions that I recommend you consider to help relieve the problems you've come to therapy for are the following: First, Carlos you will perform your positive parenting checklist each day before going to work to help you get used to hearing yourself using praise out loud. Second, each of you begin slowly with positive parenting. Try saying one positive thing each day to each of your kids and expect that at first it will feel uncomfortable like any new thing we learn or any new job we start. Third, Barbara, every time Carlos praises the children, praise him too. Barbara and Carlos liked the pastor's plan, but Carlos wanted more detail on positive parenting and asked, "Give me an example of how to start off positive parenting." "Excellent point, Carlos. When you come home from work, what are your children doing?" "When they hear me open the door, they run toward me with big smiles expecting hugs." "And what do you do?" "I hug them both, of course." "Why?" "Because they are smiling and happy to see me." "Tell them in your own way how you like seeing their smiles." "You mean, something like, "What wonderful smiles you have!" "That's good, Carlos. Or you could say, "I love your smiles and then say their names." "I like that even better, pastor. I think I can do that." Positive parenting would prove challenging to Carlos, but he'd completed the hardest part. He'd started. For information related to positive parenting, click here, for the child counseling page, and, here, for the parenting advice page.
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