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Positive Parenting Is Effective Parenting For Troubled KidsPositive parenting is one of the most effective parentingtechniques for troubled kids because it can get at the entire problem by helping the troubled kid tell the whole story. Feel frustrated with your child's same old recurring problem? The following positive parenting technique for troubled kids could be the solution. It seeks to get at the entire problem by eliciting the troubled kids full story This detailed story approach, also called the "Colombo" technique, was named after the hit television show, “Colombo,” starring Peter Falk. Colombo approached his suspects in a low key manner that proved very thorough with lots of questions. I suggest the “Colombo” counseling technique for children be utilized when you and your child confront a challenge of medium or greater difficulty. This positive parenting technique for troubled kids involves showing a tremendous amount of eager interest in the problem by, not only asking every pertinent question possible, but getting a complete story on what transpired before, while and after the problem occurred, such that you can recite the entire story back to the child nearly exactly as it occurred. The reason this very effective parenting skill works so well is best understood by example, in the following story about Tony (not real name): Tony’s mother referred her son for counseling after he’d set fire to a curtain in her home. She said her son, generally, proved a nice boy with a sweet disposition. However, she explained, lately, he’d become a behavioral problem at home and at school, where he’d begun fighting with his classmates. Tony’s father abandoned the family over a year ago, after they’d divorced. Tony and his ten year old brother, Matt, missed their father horribly, explained the mother. She added that Tony suffered from stomach aches, particularly at school, after losing his father. Moreover, she continued, Tony experienced occasional losses of appetite at breakfast time. She said she felt guilty that she couldn’t spend more time with her kids, and that their misbehavior was her fault, but that she needed to work to keep a roof over their heads. She continually worried about making the rent payments on their apartment. Tony presented as a petite, cute little first grader with a sweet elfin look. He walked right up to me, as I sat in my chair, looked into my eyes, smiled, then shook my hand. Due to the long standing nature of Tony's problem, I thought the most effective parenting technique would be positive parenting for troubled kids because it tended to elicit the entire story due to its positive approach. After exchanging introductions, keeping this positive parenting technique for children in mind, I began: “Tony, your mother told me you set fire to the curtains in your home. Is that right?” He nodded his head in agreement so fast it looked like a shiver, then holding up one finger, leaned over and whispered, “I set only one curtain on fire.” “Just one?” “Yea.” “Where was your mother?” “She works.” Then holding up two fingers, Tony explained, “She has two jobs.” “What were you doing before you set fire to the curtain?” Tony, looking down at his feet, whispered, “Nothun.” “What were you doing before you were doing nothing?” (Kids are never doing "nothun"). “Watching TV.” “Can you tell me what happened next?” “My brother turned the station?” “And then what happened?” “I got a match and set the curtain on fire.” “Okay, can you tell me your reason for setting the curtain on fire?” Tony, staring away from me, responded, “No.” “Was it because your brother changed the station?” “Naw.” “You were at home, right?” (It was obvious Tony did not want to tell me much about his fire setting. This told me he knew what he’d done was wrong. His conscience was bothering him, so he wanted to get past the story as soon as possible. The positive parenting technique for troubled kids is used to get a complete story, regarding the problem). “Yea.” “What room were you in when you set the curtain on fire?” “The living room.” “Then you took a cigarette lighter and set the curtain on fire?” “Naw, I used matches.” “You used matches?” “Yea.” “Where did you get the matches?” “Mommy left them in her bedroom on top of her bureau?” “How big are these matches?” (The positive parenting technique for children is turned up a notch since I want Tony to know, without telling him directly, that I want the whole story). “About this big,” he demonstrated with his hands. “You know great big ones for the fire place.” “So you went into your mother’s bedroom to get them?” “Yea.” “Did your mother tell you it was okay to go into her bedroom?” “Naw, she locks the door. She doesn’t like me getting into her stuff.” (This effective parenting technique appears to be working since Tony is now volunteering information I didn't ask for). “Then how did you get in?” “I used her ice pick to pop the lock.” “How did you do that?” “I just stuck it in the hole.” “And you unlocked the door?” “Yea," he said, sitting up proudly. “Then what did you do?” “Set the curtain on fire.” “After you went into your mother’s room what did you do?” “I found the matches on the bureau and set the curtain on fire.” “So you found the matches on the bureau? He shivered a nod yes. (Tony's trying to cut the story short, but this positive parenting technique won't let him do it). “Picked the matches up, and then what did you do?” “I ran into the living room and set the curtain on fire.” “You ran into the living room. You didn’t walk?” “Naw, I ran and set the curtain on fire.” “Did anything happen while you were running? Did you see anything?” “Just the curtain.” “How did you set it on fire?” “With the matches.” “So, you took one match, lighted it and burned down the curtains?” (With this technique, I'm purposely making him correct me. My mistake gets his attention). Holding up one finger, Tony reiterated, “I only set one curtain on fire. I used lots of matches.” “Oh, that’s right, Tony, I forgot.” Holding up one finger, I mimicked, “You set fire to only one curtain.” (Using mimicry as a part of this positive parenting technique for troubled kids, demonstrates to Tony that we're together and on the same page). He shivered a nod yes. “Why did you use lots of matches?” “They all went out.” “What did you do when they all went out?” “I don’t know.” “So you left all the matches lying on the floor?” “Naw, I put them with the paper.” “What paper?” “The paper on the floor to make the fire.” “You were making the fire with the paper first?” (Because this effective parenting technique elicits the entire story, I discovered Tony planned this fire. It was no accident). “Yea, so I could make a fire for the curtain. Oh, I know, then, I got some more matches.” “From your mother’s bedroom?” (By repeating what Tony says, I am using the positive parenting technique for troubled kids, to not only show him I'm interested, but to show him that we're together in understanding what he did. It's a way of getting closer to Tony). “Yea.” “Then what did you do?” “Ran back to the living room and set the papers and curtain on fire.” “Tony, why were you running?” “Scared.” “Of what?” “Getting caught.” “By whom?” “I don’t know.” “The matches didn’t go out this time?” “Some did.” “How did you get them to light?” “I rubbed them better on the box.” “Tony, I notice when I ask you questions about matches, sometimes you look away from me. Why?” Setting his right elbow on his knee and his little chin in the palm of his hand, Tony appeared to be deeply mulling over my question. Then, suddenly, with his eyes jutting open so that the whites stood out, Tony half exclaimed and half asked, “Cause I’m lying?” “What do you think?” “Sometimes.” Handing Tony a child’s toy block and a crayon, I said, “We’re going to play a game. Pretend the block is the match box and the crayon is the match, and show me how you struck the match?” Tony struck the match along the full length of the block very methodically. “Very good, Tony. Who taught you how to rub a match like that?” (Having Tony role play exactly what he did demonstrates in detail what happened and works great with this approach). Tony smiling, “My brother.” “Did rubbing the match the way your brother showed you work better?” Tony, quickly shivering a head nod, exclaimed, “Oh yea, a lot better!” “When did your brother show you that?” “There.” “Where is there?” “In the living room.” “Next to the curtain the day you set the fire?” “Yea and he told me where to go find the matches too. He told me not to tell.” (The positive parenting technique has helped Tony trust me enough to tell me the truth). “So why are you telling me?” “I don’t know. I like you. You’re nice.” “Did your brother say he was going to hurt you if you told me?” “Naw, he doesn’t fight. I fight.” “Tony, who was responsible for setting the fire?” “Hugh?” “Whose fault was it for setting the fire?” “Me,” (pointing to himself). “Good answer, Tony. Was it your brother’s fault?” “Naw, he just told me where the matches were. Oh yea, and how to rub them on the box.” “Who showed you how to open your mom’s door?” “Oh, I knew that.” “Very good, Tony, for knowing setting the fire was your fault. After you set the fire, what happened?” “Smoke happened.” “Did you like watching it burn?” “Naw, it stunk. I was scared.” “Why were you scared? Didn’t you like the fire?” “Oh no, I was scared it might burn the house down.” “Did the firemen come?” “I was going to call 911, but my brother said the fire was too small.” (This positive parenting for troubled kids led me to discover that Tony was more responsible than I at first thought). “Do you think you will start a fire again, Tony?” “Oh no, not me.” “Why?” “Too scared, I will get in trouble.” “How do you feel about setting the fire, Tony?” “Bad.” “Why bad?” “Cause it’s wrong. I’m a bad boy.” “Tony, what you did was wrong, but you are still a good boy. Sometimes good boys do bad things. Do you understand?” Tony smiled, “Yea,” giving me his characteristic shivering nod. It was decided that I should continue to see Tony at school. I referred his family to a therapist in the community near where he lived. Although long winded, there are a number of reasons why I utilize this positive parenting technique for troubled kids in moderate to difficult cases. First, it gets at the entire story. Knowing all the details gives me a better idea of the nature of the problem and the variables involved. If I hadn’t solicited the entire story from Tony, I wouldn’t have discovered his brother’s involvement. Additionally, I discovered that Tony knew what he did was wrong. Second, like most kids, Tony didn’t want to talk about what he’d done wrong. He wanted to avoid the story or make it a very short tale because he felt bad about what he’d done. This told me, Tony had a conscience. This positive parenting technique, by encouraging Tony to tell an entire detailed story, allowed him to more thoroughly feel, know, and experience that he’d done something wrong, and it broke through any denial he might have had about his culpability. Another way of saying it, is this very effective parenting technique made what might have been a small, insignificant, story in the child’s mind, a bigger, more understandable story. A bigger story gave Tony a greater opportunity to learn from it and not repeat it. A third reason this counseling technique for troubled kids proved useful was it allowed Tony to learn that, although he did something wrong, he was still accepted as a good boy. A fourth reason for this technique's success is that it gave greater time for Tony to learn about himself, for example, what he did when he lied. A fifth reason given for the success of this counseling technique for troubled kids is that the child, tired of repeating the story to her parent, decides never to repeat the negative behavior again. Finally, the positive parenting technique for children works because of its detailed, often role played approach, that instills the child with a feeling of importance because, not only is he telling the story, but because he is receiving a great deal of attention in the process. This effective parenting technique for troubled kids is best used with the idea of almost making it a game that the adult and child play. I often role play the problematic behavior involved, not only to help me understand what transpired, but to help the child get a visual image of what he did. I ask a number of “dumb” questions that are, frequently, simple questions but ones that often lead to deeper insight about the matter in question. The busy parent can continue to ask "dumb" questions over several days until the child can recite the problem verbatim. Consequences for negative behavior are best worked out in a joint effort between parent and child. Sometimes I will ask the child to draw me a diagram of his home, or of the situation in question. For the adult this parenting skill should be fun, and for the child, it should be a good learning experience that develops closeness between him and his mother or father, yet at the same time, drums into the child with every word the understanding that what he did was wrong. This positive parenting technique for troubled kids works particularly well with children who lie because, in the process of mapping out the problem, they tend to catch themselves in their own lies. Yes, this particular parenting skill can be a lot of work, but because it both blatantly exposes the problems to parent and child and forces the child to confront her problem during the course of the story, it is time well spent. Gaining such a thorough understanding of the child's habitual problem often leads to its solution, thus saving a great deal of time in the long run. What you learn about your child using this counseling technique for children can absolutely shock and amaze you. To summarize this section, regarding positive parenting for troubled kids:
here, for parenting with love logical consequences play. |
