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Parenting From The Inside Out
Parenting from the inside out means both thinking about and
deciding what type of good parent you want to be, and,
then, consciously modeling this behavior for your child. In
other words, parenting from the inside out is parenting by
example.
If you parent from the inside out, modeling healthy
behavior that is what your child will learn, and,
alternatively, if you model negative behavior that is what
your child will learn. I think every parent, some time, has
modeled negative behavior, like swearing for example. How
long does it take for the child to learn and begin
manifesting that behavior? All too quickly. This
illustrates the power of parental modeling or example
setting in shaping your child’s behavior.
Make a list of the types of child behavior you would like
the parenting from the inside out approach to help you
with. Your list might include the following:
1. Swearing
2. Rapidly wolfing down food
3. Interrupting adults when they are talking
4. Teaching them responsibility by having them tidy their
rooms
Next, notice if you model any of these behaviors. Perhaps
you sometimes slip and swear in front of your child. Now
seek to decrease this behavior. When you do slip up before
your child, you can say something like the following:
"Sorry, I shouldn't swear. It sounds bad. I don't like to
hear swearing. Besides, everyone makes mistakes. There's
no need to be so hard on myself for making a mistake."
Naturally, what you say will depend upon the age of your
child. Notice, in the above case, the parent, not only sets
a good example by letting the child know that she doesn't
like swearing, but she is, also, modeling understanding of
why she curses(because she is expecting perfection). What's
more, the parent is showing the child, by example, that it
is normal to err.
The above example may lead to a conversation about swearing
between parent and child, further deepening the child's
understanding of why he shouldn't swear.
In the case of the child that wolf's down his food, there
exist a variety of ways to approach this problem using
parenting from the inside out. For a young child, you may
ask him to eat slower. Then the next time you see him
wolfing down his food, simply, look at him and model slow
eating. You can even comment on how much better the food
tastes when eaten slowly. You could mention how the
digestive juices increase in the mouth and aid digestion,
with slower eating. Both parents can broach the subject and
model good eating habits for the child.
In the case of the child who interrupts adults in mid
conversation, you can point out to the child the negative,
effect it has on you. You can look him in the eye and tell
him that you don't like it. You can even role play and
demonstrate to him how it feels so he can understand
exactly how others feel when he interrupts them. Then when
your child does wait before he interrupts you, you can
congratulate him for his improvement. This is parenting
from the inside out, modeling how you would like to be
treated given the same situation: with respect.
When it comes to teaching responsibility, in regards to
tidying one's room for example, parenting from the inside
out proves an excellent approach. Start teaching children
responsibility when they are young. Help them tidy their
rooms, and this will teach them what you expect of them
later, when they are older.
When the room is nice and neat, ask him what he thinks.
Then give your opinion. You could say something
like, "Your room sure looks better when everything is put
away." See what he thinks. Then say something like, "You
did a good job helping me straighten out your room. One
day, you will be able to do it all by yourself.
Using this approach, chilren are more likely to cooperate
because they enjoy doing things with their parents when
they are young. By your example, you're teaching them
tidying their rooms is important. You're, also, leaving
them with the expectation that one day they will be doing
it themselves.
That is to say, they will become responsible too. What's
more, you praised them. This associates their work with
positive rewards and helps make the entire experience
positive. Kids are more likely to learn something when it
is associated with a positive emotion. Good job!"
Using the parenting from the inside out approach, the
parent does four things:
1. Consciously decides the parent type he wants to model
2. Understands children learn by example, so she sets the
proper example, around the house with the use of proper
language and by helping young children with their chores.
3. Takes advantage of every day errors to lead by example
4. Looks for every little improvement as an opportunity to
genuinely praise her child
Parenting from the inside out complements parenting with love
and logical consequences.
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