 Grief Counseling Can Ease Your Child's BereavementTen year old Tommy Thompson (not real name) was referredfor grief counseling through his fifth grade teacher by his parents. Unfortunately over Christmas vacation his grandfather died from a bout of pneumonia. Tommy had been very close to his grandfather and idolized him. According to his parents, Tommy had taken it hard and seemed in such a deep sadness that they were worried he might never come out of it. This was the main reason they referred him for grief counseling. Tommy trudged into the room, half slumped over as if he was carrying the world's burdens on his shoulders. In grief counseling, in tears, Tommy lovingly described his grandfather, a man he, obviously, cherished. It appeared he'd been closer to his grandfather than his own father. They'd regularly got together and shared many common experiences over the years. In grief counseling one never knows how a child will react to the death of a loved one. Some children like to talk about it. Others are not ready to do so, and may prefer to draw or play. Still others will talk a bit, then drop the subject for a time, only to return to it later. Tommy, although in deep sorrow over his grandfather's death, wanted to talk about him. Hence, through grief counseling Tommy was, not only able to share their many experiences together that others in his family, perhaps, were unable to discuss, but keep his grandfather's memory alive. Interestingly, the more Tommy talked about his grandfather, the more his sadness appeared to abate. At one point in grief counseling, Tommy seemed a bit concerned and asked, "Is it okay to like your grandfather more than your father?" I smiled and said, "Yes, Tommy, it's okay." "But won't my father not like that?" "My father didn't seem to have a problem with that." "You mean you liked your grandfather more than your father?" "Yes, I did. You see my father was so busy working, he didn't have a lot of time to spend with me." "Yes," Tommy agreed. "My father is a lawyer and he's always very busy too." "Do you think your father minds that you like your grandfather so much?" "No. I just wondered." "That sounds perfectly normal, Tommy." "There's one thing I've been scared to ask about in grief counseling?" "What's that?" "I've been wanting to have my best friend over since grandfather died, but everyone at home is so sad, I'm afraid to ask." "Why?" "Because when my friend comes over we have a good time and laugh a lot, and I don't think I should be laughing when grandpa is dead. We're writing a story and drawing the different characters from Tolkien's "Hobbit." We, even, make up our own characters. We have a lot of fun and we haven't been able to have fun in two weeks because we're supposed to be sad all the time." "Tolkien sounds like great fun, Tommy. Do you think your family might get upset with you for having a good time after your grandfather died." "No. It's just that everyone else is so sad. I feel sad too, but I would like to have my friend over." "What would your grandfather say if he were alive, Tommy?" "Grandpa thought Tolkien was awesome. When I'd ask him if we could go see a Tolkien movie he'd always say, "You betcha!" Once, when Treebeard (one of Tolkien's characters) first came on the screen, everyone got scared because he was ugly, but grandpa leaned over to me, smiling and said, "I think he's kind of cute." I laughed and laughed right there in the movie." "So, you're grandfather had quite a sense of humor." "You betcha!" "Did you talk about the Tolkien stories and the characters often?" "We talked a lot. Except for my best friend, Jerry, no one else liked Tolkien as much as grandpa. Jerry and I showed grandpa some of our own Tolkien-like characters we were making and he liked them. Sometimes he'd say funny things about the characters." "It sounds like you and your grandpa were always having fun together and that Tolkien was a big part of that fun?" "Yep." "I'm wondering, when you get together with your friend, Jerry, to create your special Tolkien trilogy, what might you be thinking or imagining about your grandfather?" "I'll miss him, but I think he will be right there playing with us." "So, when you laugh, when you play and have fun, for you, it's as if your grandpa is right there laughing with you?" "Yep." "My grandpa was a lot like yours, a real kidder, and like yours he's still with me, especially when I'm having fun. What do you think about having Jerry visit for some fun with Tolkien?" "I'm going to ask my mom if I can have him over." "Great." "One thing, can I come to grief counseling again?" "Of course." "Can I bring my Tolkien map and story stuff to grief counseling too? Would you like to see it?" "You betcha, Tommy. Let's make an appointment." Tommy's emotions moved from sad to virtually glad, all in one amazing grief counseling session. He'd been trapped in profound sadness out of a sense of obligation and deference to his family and grandfather. All Tommy needed was a little understanding and permission to be himself, the complex human being he was that had room for grief, understanding, love, joy and the knowledge that his grandfather would always be alive within him.
In addition to grief counseling, one can get general
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